On reflection this 15 months in Saudi Arabia has taken a long time to pass, I feel like I have been here forever.  I’ve missed 2 winters and one summer at home. I’ve missed my flowering cherries and the clouds of pink blossoms.  I’ve missed planting my tomato’s early enough to get a head start on the annual family competition.  I’ve missed Christmas and New Years Eve.

This was a stop gap year, I always knew that it was only a year (ish) and maybe that is why it has seemed so long.  Maybe I’ve been wishing it was over before it began.  When the end is in sight from the beginning sometimes it can make time move more slowly, like marching on one spot and never moving forward.  Especially after the initially excitement passes.

But with the excitement of finally leaving Saudi Arabia I am 50% anticipating my next adventure and 50% wanting to run and hide and get a normal job.

Now that my Antarctic adventure is only a few months away I am hesitating, I am not sure why…..

I am wondering what on earth I am going to do for 10 months with no shopping, limited internet, weather dependent outside time and limited access to fresh food (no farmers markets, week), a lot of my favourite things will be gone.  I am trying to think of how to replace them and what I can do so that I don’t sound like a whining 5 year old.

I can’t wait to be a part of the beauty, to stand under an aurora and feel it washing over me, to see the Emperor penguins huddled and the little chicks balanced on their feet and to walk on sea ice a metre thick….. I know that 10 months is a long time without my normal support network and the balance that brings.

I am wondering if I will get on with the rest of the team, and more importantly since I am the station leader will the team get on with each other.  Are we going to work together to help each other when we are far from home or are we going to annoy each other and grate.  Do I have the skills as a leader to overcome ‘grating’ and unify a team.

I am wondering if it is wise to leave my husband alone for 10 months, is it wise for me to be alone for 10 months.  I don’t doubt that I am a lucky women to have found some-one who is willing to let me do crazy things like spend a winter in Antarctica but I also don’t underestimate that 10 months is a long time to leave some-one alone.  People learn, grow, develop and sometimes in different pathways.

I am wondering why I want to do this?  What am I trying to prove and how will i know if it was worth it?

The coming 12 months are an adventure, one I can’t refuse but I am beginning to wonder why I apply for these things……

Thats my job over the next couple of months, to figure out what success is going to look like