Communication is an art form and those people who seem to effortlessly raise and discuss difficult topics while causing minimal angst or offence have always been slightly awe inspiring to me.

 

 

There are several different types of conversation but I dread most are those conversations that you know you should have, the ones were the outcome is not pre-determined or clear cut and sometimes the issue is not even definable or its just plain awkward.  There just doesn’t seem to be a good time or the words in my vocabulary for some topics; how do you tell a colleague that people can smell them from the front door or a partner that they are getting a little chubby and unfit.

I have been aware that I am not good at having these conversations in fact I think  George Bernard Shaw was talking about me when he said “…the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  So it was perfect when I found myself at the Australian Rural Leadership Program last week and the topic was ‘critical conversations’.  It seems other people have just as much trouble as me 🙂 there are even books – who would have thought!!!

My biggest lesson from the session was that in order to communicate I need to listen and to listen I need to control my own anxiety and agenda.

So I got home after a week of practicing my listening / communication style and there was the perfect test waiting for me.  Hubby and I had to install new front doors, not just front doors but new door frame, step, double oak doors and security doors…… What an opportunity to practise controlling my anxiety levels and practise listening while also assisting my significant other to manage his stress and prevent him transitioning into fight mode!!!

I sat down with the hubby and explained what I had been learning all week and how I wanted to start listening so that I could improve my communication skills.  He thought it would be a great idea for me to practice listening, especially while we were installing the doors and he promised to help by pointing out when I wasn’t listening….. I don’t think he was listening as I promised to help him identify when his anxiety levels were increasing.  So we set the alarm for 0600 and went to bed full of anticipation at a day of hard fruitful work, resulting in new front doors 🙂

By 0900 a problem was identified, the new doors were 5cms larger then the new door frame, I listened as hubby started to grind teeth and swear.  I asked probing questions designed to bring him out of his ‘fight reflex’ state of mind and back to a safe communication zone were we could work on a solution;  “do you need a cup of tea?”, “what can I do to lower your current stress levels?”, “tell me why this is making you anxious, it is fixable?”  He answered, I listened, we worked through the issues and both stayed calm and relatively happy, we were communicating………… WOOOHOOO

Needless to say by 1600 when the screen doors were identified as being 6cms too large for the door frame and it became apparent that we were not going to have any doors on the house overnight the listening and talking was becoming a little fraught on both sides and by 1800  I was crying in Bunnings and hubby was working his way through his 4th beer….. so not a raging success after all but a more successful venture into home improvements then normal 🙂

My observations after my practise situations are that personal conversations are more difficult to manage then professional.  Personally I tend towards ‘fight or flight’ more easily, maybe because as a couple who have known each other over 10 years we know how to trigger each other so well.  Something to work on while we have lots of conversations over the telephone for the next 10 months.

Professionally I will be more aware of ‘self’ in the conversation; devoting more attention to listening rather then practising my pre-conversation conversation prior to the conversation!!