It’s my three month anniversary of being in Antarctica and it feels like it has passed super quickly.

I have seen some amazing things over the last few months.  I’ve flown across oceans full of floating ice-bergs.  Sat next to penguins and seals and watched in awe as pods of wild orca’s cruise past.  I’ve climbed a hill and knelt on the edge of a crevasse gazing down into its blue ice depths.  I’ve watched the sun rise and set over glaciers.  Seen pancake ice turn into slurry ice and finally sea ice.  Watched a blizzard rush past the window and poked my head out the door to feel its power.  Seen a ship at the mercy of mother nature pushed onto rocks.

I’ve started jogging slowly but surely I will leave here ready to run in my first fun run. I’ve learnt about the world of podcasts and the joys of listening to discussion.  I’ve learnt new truisms about myself, I really do get bored easily, I really do love sitting on the couch surfing the internet, I really can’t control myself around carbs.  I am quite vain and like going to the hairdresser and beautician at least once a month.  I don’t like hormones, they are a bitch even at 38.  I don’t like climbing hills, I do like gardening and cooking.

All these things I have learnt and experienced because I have been forced to be quiet, I can’t go anywhere, I can’t do anything.  I can only be.  It is kind of liberating and sort of restrictive all at the same time.

On the restrictive side I have a community of people that I am responsible for.  I love them all a little bit, every-one of them has a little bit of my heart because I have seen parts of them that you don’t normally see in work colleagues.  I am hyper aware of when one of them is upset or cranky or happy, it influences the whole dynamic of the day for every-one.  I also am hyper aware of how careful I have to be to set a tone for the group.  In a normal work situation this is easy, you go to work between 8 & 5 and you can put on a persona.  Down here you can’t, you have to be real no persona’s because you can’t maintain it and I am so aware that maybe I am not enough?

Also on the restrictive side there is no physical touch, you don’t miss it till you don’t have it.  Even when I have lived overseas or been working away from my partner I still had friends, we hugged, we laughed and I could relax and be myself and not worry about it because in general friends accept that sometimes your a dick but most of the time your not.  I can still talk on the phone but I don’t get a hug, physical touch is affirming, it makes you feel loved and spreads positive energy.  No physicality is very odd, I didn’t used to think I was such a touchy feely person but I am beginning to think I really am.

The liberating side of being here is that you can’t do anything, you can’t rush to the shops, you don’t have to take the dogs for a walk, you can’t be busy with life…. life has slowed to a snail pace.  For the first time in years I have time to ponder the meaning of life and what I want to achieve.  I have time to revise what is important and what isn’t.  It is like being on a long weekend retreat only longer….. much much longer.

The more I ponder the more I start to believe that I am enough.  I have this, I’m not even worried if it all goes to shit!!!  Sometimes life does that and it doesn’t really matter, its only a couple of months in the scheme of life.

What I am beginning to learn (again) is that you can only try your hardest and dedicate 100% of your effort to what you believe in.  Put some positive energy out into the world and see what it gives back to you