This week I had a revelation, I have faked being confident for so long that I have even fooled myself!!!!

Over the last few years I have found myself increasingly withdrawing socially, I told myself I was just naturally shy and an introvert.  A recent experience made me think about why I was social anxious, even if I am an introvert I shouldn’t be anxious about being around people.

So I have pondered this week and tried to figure out why………. then a slow light bulb moment

I have had this similar experience many times over the last five years; I have been friends with people and then become a manager in the organisation that we work in…. and then they have completely ditched me. I mean completely as in never spoken to me again.  I have found this overwhelmingly upsetting and been incredibly hurt and confused.  Now in retrospect I realise that this is the cause of my social anxiety, I have stopped bothering to make friends with people or been to insecure to be friends with people as I assume it will always end with me being upset. I have limited myself socially because I don’t want to interact with people.  I have developed anxiety over simple social activities like going to the local pub or cafe.

I have been blaming myself, thinking that it must be my fault that my ‘friends’ have reacted this way and I think this has caused a huge build up of social anxiety.  OMG moment, but how do I fix it?

Was it my fault? do I need to change?

I turn to ever trusty google for some scientific answers

Evan Thompson helped it all make sense  (http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/evan-thompson/office-friendship_b_5835576.html)

By becoming the ‘boss’ I have introduced inequality into a friendship, there are different sets of expectations with a boss and employee relationship.  Inequalities add up until there is resentment.  Resentment and/or inequality – perceived or real makes a friendship hard, because by nature friendship are usually equal relationships.

So I have thought through these relationship failures and asked myself;

1. Can I be proud of the way I treated people/ a person ……..yes
2. Can I be responsible for the way people react to me …….. no
3. Do I want to change my path in life ……… no

I’ve let these ideas sink in for a couple of days and I’m feeling slightly more social, I send some flowers to some-one who has stayed a friend to say Thank you. She has no idea what she has done but I feel better for reaching out and overcoming my anxiety.  Its a first step

I think I might even give an old friend a call tomorrow……….